Home Comedy The Adventures of Uncle Lew

The Adventures of Uncle Lew

by ThePest


Sitting on a boulder within a cloud, a barefooted LEW HATFIELD/JAMES BOND, winds his pocket watch, casually waiting for his ride to earth. Uncle Lew, as he is also known, looks like Blackbeard and carries the same amount of armament as the pirate ship, Queen Anne Revenge, and he is just as deadly.
Uncle Lew is an Events Enforcer.

Cloud Station #33 where he sits is a bit of a landmark in Heaven. Incoming souls come to this Landing in order to pass through the Pearly Gates, located just a few hundred yards away from the station. The area is wooded and lush with tall Eucalyptus where horse trails and bicycle paths merge into a Sportsman’s dream. Birds dive for fish while anglers on shore try their best to compete.

The Cloud Station where he is sitting is always busy with departures and arrivals. Lew enjoys people watching, especially the ladies, and he doesn’t miss a one as he waits for his time slot to approach. Body language and choice of clothing from Hats to shoes tell volumes to Lew. The boardwalk today is like a fashion runway, full of Peacock Feathers and high-heels. It is ablaze with vibrance.

UNCLE LEW (chuckling tipping hat) Sixteen men on a Deadman’s chest… Good Morning Ladies.

He has been on many missions like he is about to do, yet when an assignment comes directly From GOD, ONE WOULD TEND to do it right, under budget and undetected. This means its okay to be seen and interact but no direct miracles. While waiting to ride the fierce weather of the earth below he does a quick check of his shopping list, and double-checks his backpack for the necessary items he’ll need, to make his job successful.

UNCLE LEW (talking to himself) Yo ho ho, and a bottle of… here it is ‘the shopping list’. Gold, Yada, yada, more gold. Twenty-two bottles of Rum, twenty pounds of Gum Drops, yada yada, fifty pounds of Coffee {dark roast} and seven red liquorice sticks for GOD. Twenty Thousand Bibles, and fifty sheep. Bibles? Now, that’s a hoot. Fools, this is export not import. Someone messed up. Yo ho ho, and add another bottle of rum?

The thrill of riding a Cloud Sled attached to a lightning bolt to earth makes him giddy as he sits near the edge and ponders the new assignment. Lew, writes a few lines of poetry as he waits for his launch queue and another Angel to join him, by the name of Rebecca. His poetry stinks and she’s a bit naughty. She is an Events Planner.

Thunder roars, lightning’s chaotic fingers reach out lashing a grove of big oaks, repeatedly a dozen times. Wind yanks buckets of rain sideways. Corn and tobacco crops take on a foot of water, but it is too much for the cotton, it is ruined. Drowned. A large flock of turkeys are safe and plump.

A lone rider covers himself, hunching over into his hat. Rain pelts his face like buckshot, and with each burst of electricity, he sees his slave days and the Civil War flash before him in a pictorial display, one after the other. He stops and turns and sees the brutal force of nature as a big oak grove is hammered and slammed once again by thunderbolts from nearly a half-mile away. He shakes his head in disbelief. He stables his horse and pats his horse on the hindquarters.

Thanks for getting us home safe, Rush…

Rush, whinnies and agrees by heading straight for the feed.

Muddy boots are left on the porch and the door opens to a rather large home.

(parlor entrance)
Buck? Get down! Damn dog’s got my seat again.

John tries shaking the days hardships off as he drags his hands across his forehead and departing hair while slowly working his way around the house.

I was starting to get worried. This weather scares me. Glad you are home. Suppers on the table.

(bathroom sink/ louder voice)
What a day… My goodness, Ma. I’ve never seen it like this. Lightning hit that big oak 10 times. That thing’s history. The bad news is the cotton’ is gone. It will be soaked for a long while. Too long. Should have planted sweet potatoes.

(fancy eating area)
He walks around his family who’s seated, grabbing the backs of each chair whispering a prayer. But before sitting down for supper he notices the large bucket directly on the dining table collecting the constant drip of rain water. Candles and oil lamps light the room.

Thank you Father for this food, this life and for this day.
(clears his throat)
And for this blessed rain. Amen. I’ll get that roof fixed tomorrow dear.

He passes the plates of turkey and sweet corn around to his wife, Lucille, and their two adopted children, Samuel, twelve and Thomas, fourteen. Silence (ageless) pulls up a seat too and sits for a while.

(fidgeting busting at the seams. Buck looks for scraps)
Sorry Pa, maybe the cotton will dry? (Huge Pause) We saw fifteen, maybe twenty beavers, swimming downstream. That’s a lot, right?

Yes, that’s more than a lot, sounds like two or three colonies, making a move. Must be all the heavy rain?

John see’s Thomas is not done and motions him to continue.

(longer pause)

Oh, and a, a, this morning Samuel and I found a big pot o gold down in the grove, and we covered it with branches.

In? A pot filled with gold? IN the oak grove? Branches?
(firm hand command)
Buck go. Go lay down.

Yes sir. Just past the bend.

Remember, the big oak is off-limits. Don’t do that again.

Yes sir, but we had to. It really started to rain hard. I saw this deer run straight into it so we followed.

(his head turns sets fork down)
You saw a deer run into the grove? Now that’s funny. That grove could stop a train, yet a deer runs right through it. How is that possible? It’s like a fortress with no entrance.
(continues eating)

Well, there is now, Daddy.

(shakes his head and thinks about his son’s last comment)
What’s a dad to do? You disobey yet you find a pot of gold, inside the very place that you know is out of bounds. But I like your truthfulness and you stepping forward, it shows courage, even though I find it, shall we say, stretched just a bit.

Yes sir, we told mom what we done and we followed this rainbow that spitfire to this chest.

(smiling, lighthearted)
Son, hold on. Was it a pot or a chest, you know it makes a big difference?

A chest sir.

(leaning back in his chair laughing)
Wonderful. That’s just what we need a big pot or chest of gold. Did you cover it with branches? From the grove? A rainbow that spits fire, huh? Well, that’s a good thing son.
(hand reaches out)
Let’s see it. So where is it?

No sir, nothing, it’s still there. It would not budge. It was huge. We tried.

Not even a coin son? What say you Samuel, to this gold adventure you and your brother had?

I saw a pretty white lady there too, dressed funny-like. But as soon as I blinked she was gone.
Well, this is getting better. A chest is full of gold and a white lady and pretty to boot, in a funny outfit. Now that is really something. Out here you saw a white lady? My oh my. You two have had quite a day. Are you sure lightning didn’t get cha in the britches? Well, I guess we will leave it for tomorrow and after Mom’s apple pie, who wants to play checkers? Buck, what are you doing over there? Come here, boy. Good dog.

And so the full moon crept across a slithering sky, lighting the path for creepy beasties and creepy men of old bats, without wings, who can’t fly. Except for the witch. Who lit out for the limits of the sky.

Read us another one Dad, please.

Are there really witches dad?

Maybe, not sure? And no that’s enough bedtime for tonight. Your poor old dad is bushed.

(makes positive eye contact)
It’s true Dad… The gold… it’s really there.

(nods recognizing his statement)
Dream tonight for what you want, for tomorrow it may come. Now say your prayers, Goodnight you two.

The cloud is pea-soup thick and heavenly bliss is overtaken by someone eating something hard, like peanut brittle.

Lewis, is that you? Lew, where are you? Uncle Lew? Hello?

The only thing heard while walking on a cloud is the rustle of garments.

Can you please turn off this fog machine Lew? Thank you. Oh, there you are. I see you now.

Lew is wearing a long European Cut Slicker made of ultra-lightweight dragon scales, rust in color and dusted in a turquoise coating. A leather aviators’ hat with matching goggles he borrowed from Orval Wright, tops off his travelling ensemble.

Well, you candy eating fool, what a treat and honor to be working with you once again.

Rebecca, Rebecca… you make my teeth chatter, I swear dear Lord Almighty. The pleasure is all mine, you beautiful creature. Come here Sugar.
Bending at the waist he kisses her hand.

I see you got the sled packed with Blessed Gold Feathers.

Yes. 2600 Pounds to be exact, plus a load of coins. The guys in shipping said feathers were lighter to transport. What do you think? Were they messing with me?
(she just snickers)

If we Add my case OF MY NECESSITIES’ I still think we’ll be within limit. I’ll just stow it in the overhead.

She stands back eyeing cargo as it floats into the bin above.
All is Secure. Packed to the rafters.

Okay. Let’s get straight to it… You have read the reports and what we’re up against, right? Not an easy one, but completely doable. By the way, the weather is a Code 9-Plus. The worst it’s ever been, could be a number one’r for the books.

Yep, took a quick scouting trip earlier today to check things out. A bit bumpy for sure. Took a few chests of coins. Looks to me to be a Seven-Day-Job, with no wiggle room. Just as well, got a quick Vacation planned after this job.

So whats the latest with you?

Everything is good. Well…. except for I’ve been trying to get my brother out of Hell. I’m short on Redemption Points and need to work hard on this one, otherwise, he’ll be stuck there ’til who knows when? Gosh, I miss him.

I’m sure it will all work out Sugar. I can always put in a good word. Here let me help you.

While zipping up her bright yellow dragon jacket she nearly snags her chest but with Lew’s kind assistance from behind, she avoids pinching her breasts as he holds them in.

(she smiles and winks)
Thanks, Lew. Your word means a lot to me. Also, I see your hands are still quick and ready for action.
(he delightfully nods )

Sorry, where was I? So Lew, if you are ready? Let’s go and Turn the Tide of this Great Country, once again for goodness sake.

Ladies first.

Lew extends his hand for balance and southern etiquette.
The two climb down into the Pander Belts docking stage, and wait till the Clacker ratchet’s up another ten feet or so, as Uncle Lew steadies their sleds. Once in position, he releases THE Harps’Yardle until the sound of a passing Spin-Duckle can be heard then he yells…


They sit back, side by side, hold hands… and whoosh.
Just before biting their mouth guards, the sled shakes, its rails bend inward as their speed increases.

Exiting Reality @ Ultra Hyper Drift, and leaving LightSpeed in the dust takes years, whereas this new rail system smashes it to mere seconds. The two TRAVELERS tear up, seeing Mother Earth with its four corners once again. It happens to everyone who travels back and forth as they ride this crazed bucking bronco thunderbolt back to Earth.

Lew, notices they are coming in too fast and alerts Rebecca of a hard landing.


And So It Begins

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